How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Randomize
