Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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