Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
