something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He did a backflip because drugs
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
