Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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