so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
