when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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