Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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