you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
