I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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