CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm having to shit out rocks
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