There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
