the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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