I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
