conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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