Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
