I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
