I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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