do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
