I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
you never un-have a 4some
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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