Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Houston, we have a squirter
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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