Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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