my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
