You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
