Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
