I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
