If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
