Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
