I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
