just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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