My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
