And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
