This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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