smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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