I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
His nipple licking is glorious
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