Duck Duck Cougar?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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