Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
