I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
