Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
