She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
