i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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