Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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