I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
