am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
accomplished twins. life is a go
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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