Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I don't think brook has ever known best
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
