My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
