in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
