So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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