We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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