the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
