I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
