ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
