I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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