i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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