sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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