I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
